THE CHART PROJECT PT. 7: let the world see what you have got / bring it all back to you

(slight quality drop-off near the end, blame the dreadful music)


#61
Lonnie Donegan, 'Puttin' On The Style' / 'Gamblin' Man'
1957
A big hoorah for the first double A-side of the countdown! An underrated but obviously troublesome format for mass comprehension. Side A is a rambunctious skiffle number, skiffle being an apparently European cousin of bluegrass. Side AA is also a ripping dandy of a Woody Guthrie cover done in the traditional skiffle style.

Both performances contain lots of energy: this is real age of railways stuff, the percussion rattles and scrapes and Donegan's syllables imitate the rumbling of trains bobbling up and down on the recently constructed tracks. Where many singles of the era now seem like museum pieces, both of these songs stand-up now just in terms of pure physicality.
(7)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TW9KUeMaJRQ
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GynnhBUOHkg

#493
Shakin' Stevens, 'Oh Julie'
1982
The McDonalds Elvis continues with another 50s rock'n'roll exercise. To throw a spanner in the works, an accordion makes an appearance. You're fooling no one son.
(3)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6AtOcWOPT50

#966
Will Young, 'Leave Right Now'
2003
The joy felt when Will Young won Pop Idol, a star search format of yore, has not translated into a continued relationship with his music. 'Leave Right Now' is a ballad with a lyrical conceit about a pragmatic decision not to fall in love with a person which may prove problematic in the long term, which seems like a very modern and insincere thing to do. You can choose this? I suppose you can. 'I don't want to be in a relationship right now'. 'I don't see myself as the marrying type'. Life just happens, everyone, you're going to be mostly powerless to stop such forces.
(3)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WbrSLLv0AlA

#1003
Eminem, 'Like Toy Soldiers'
2005
I've never been unfortunate enough to have my best friend and childhood inspiration shot dead on a street corner and I sincerely hope that I never have to face that kind of problem. Eminem, or Marshall Mathers, is a human being and many of his songs do bring into focus the disparity between the front of the rapper and the background of the man - and often with no little humour and memorable music. But this song, this song is no good. It's maudlin and trivialising and it serves as a launchpad for Eminem to try and attack various bugbears once his lamenting is through. The 'beat' is all military snares and the interconnecting fluid of the sample is Martika's 'Toy Soldiers' and Eminem's dead friend is referred to as a 'soldier'...heavy-handed metaphors a speciality here.
(3)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lexLAjh8fPA

#200
The Beatles, 'Help'
1965 
Taken from the soundtrack of the superior Beatles film. It is a Beatles song that we all know and love and well bloody done The Beatles.
(8)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-s-F7ZmmGbY

#851
Chicane ft. Bryan Adams, 'Don't Give Up'
2000
Oh wow when Ibiza became so big that even rock magazines had to take notice. The process by which Bryan Adams' voice appears on this record must be an interesting story. I imagine it probably went a little something like this.
"Hi, this is Bryan."
"Oh, hi Bryan, Chicane here. I got the memo from your agent saying you were looking to cred up your image."
"That's right."
"OK. Well, I've got this total mid-set nonentity of a dance track. I propose putting a 96kbps MP3 recording of your voice on this track."
"That's just what I'm looking for. Thanks Chicane."
"Don't mention it Bry."
(2)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HNlrACY3--0

#97
Adam Faith, 'Poor Me' 
1960
The backing on this is quite spirited and moody: strings groaning up and down the scale like voices emerging from a haunted castle wall, pizzicato violins plucking like hair standing up on your neck, a band which clatters along remorselessly. The problem is the vocal and the lyric, which are just cheap Buddy Holly knock-offs and don't fit with the unusual rollercoaster ride written by one Mr. John 'James Bond' Barry. Shame.
(4)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rThWY6jsiJ4

#371
Windsor Davies and Don Estelle, 'Whispering Grass'
1975 
A song originally written in 1940 and made famous by the vocal harmony group The Ink Spots and re-released and performed in character by stars of the UK sitcom 'It Ain't Half Hot Mum', a japefest about the Burmese conditions of WW2. Don Estelle has a fine voice for imitating the range of the original, and the song is a fine enough remnant of pop eras alien to our own, evoking Dennis Potter more than dance party. However, what was the point in Windsor Davies even getting a credit on this? He literally speaks a couple of vaguely comic lines and gurns throughout the TV performances of it. Hilarious.
(5)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rThWY6jsiJ4

#953
Tomcraft, 'Loneliness'
2003 
Ministry of Sound fodder with a refreshingly unfunky beat and deadpan vocal, though unlovable in its anonymity.
(3)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3QV8cOmsTdI

#673
Wet Wet Wet, 'Goodnight Girl'
1992  
Who else remembers when Wet Wet Wet were a legimately huge presence on the UK pop scene? I have two specific memories of the group, one which I shall save for their other, more famous #1 hit. The other is when the man 'being' Wet Wet Wet's Marti Pellow on Stars In Their Eyes actually won. Oh, and didn't Pellow go and get all 'rock star ego' and go off to do heroin like a proper musician even though he was just singing these breezy nothingy AOR pop songs? Weird. One striking thing about this song is the total absence of percussion. Once you get over the fact that the drums are going to come in, you wonder whether anything is going to happen other than these medieval-type harmonies and Poundland lyrics.
(3)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H_94Q4yt8Y4

#65
Harry Belafonte, 'Mary's Boy Child'
1957
Slow and dreary. Who IS it who keeps saying that the 1950s were better? To hear any of the decent music of the day you'd better have been damn well plugged into the underground or attending a musical conservatory in Paris or Munich or Moscow because it sure as HELL wasn't happening in the pop charts. Fair play to Boney M for kicking this song right up the arse.
(2)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zGQsy8pN48U

#99
Lonnie Donegan, 'My Old Man's A Dustman' 
1960
Cockney knees-up singalong by skiffle hero Donegan, the song punctuated with little jokes and asides to the audience, sort of reflective of the vaudeville beginnings of pop music rather the gleaming future it was heading toward. Still, MILES better than Belafonte. Sheesh. Wake that dude up.
(5)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y7GeZ3YmONw

#705
Prince, 'The Most Beautiful Girl In The World'
1994 
It is a truth universally known that Prince is a phenomenally talented human being who, since changing his name to a funny squiggle and then back again and then finding God in a fairly priority-altering manner, has had some difficulty in discerning between a good idea and a bad one. The name change occurred in 1993, so this song finds on the darker side of that line, in and amongst 10 minute guitar jams, fanclub-only albums declaring Abraham Lincoln to be a racist, and jazz albums whose songs all begin with the letter 'X'.

Fortunately, it is a good song. Soft and more in the arena of contemporary smooth soul, yes, but with those little sophisticated chord changes that Prince is semi-famous for (seriously: check any guitar tab of Prince songs, they contain chords that I have never ever heard of and when I do play them I think 'how could this chord be of any use to anybody? It sounds like the noise a dog makes when it whimpers.') and with a pretty cool and sincere sounding sentiment, ensuring that that year many non-verbal men had an audio shortcut to more sex than they had bargained for in this song.
(6)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uoo2KioueCQ

#328
Gilbert O'Sullivan, 'Get Down'
1973 
Everybody has a musical style which jangles their last nerve and I have to announce that mine is soft-rock/soft-disco/soft-boogie rock. This song falls headlong into all three categories, recalling Status Quo with free access to a Rhodes organ.
(3)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fdd7W-jP2GQ

#916
Blue, 'If You Come Back'
2001
There's just nothing here to be funny or snooty or clever about. Boring song that has dated terribly.
(2)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HG5guNz9AVU

#117
Floyd Cramer, 'On The Rebound'
1961
A cool little instrumental with a convincing bar-room atmosphere: barrelling piano, whipping violins, surfy rhythm section. Neat!
(6)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0WHUbV2uFJY

#1117
Rage Against The Machine, 'Killing In The Name'
2009
Nominated by the people as the official anti-X Factor song, lest we forget. Buying this song was a symbol to Simon Cowell that his power can be subdued and that is why this song has entirely prevented Mr. Cowell from having any success since. Irony about RATM's major label status entirely withstanding.

This song and I go farther back, to the days where my friends and I would spend every other Friday in a local rock club as the golden hits of the rapcore/nu-metal era would be played until 4am. As a consequence not only have I heard this song 1000+ times, but every parallel world version of this song as written by Spineshank, Adema, Trust Co., Fear Factory, Puddle of Mudd, System of a Down, Limp Bizkit, POD, Everlast, Soil, Soilwork, Mudvayne, Amen, Alien Ant Farm, Incubus, Hed-Pe, Guano Apes, Static X, and countless other complete fucking berks who were just pointlessly angry about shit all.

OK, OK, so you might point out that Rage were a political band and therefore a little bit more conscious than the aforementioned berks and that they were attempting to shove a message into the machine in much the same way as I lauded White Town for. I'd disagree purely because the way the semiotics of teen rebellion and histrionics completely overwhelm the nobility of any potential message. This appearance at #1 might seem like a black eye on asinine pop forever, but check the charts and there's only one winner, and it isn't the people who shat themselves to buy this complete snorefest of a record.
(2)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bWXazVhlyxQ

#492
Bucks Fizz, 'Land Of Make Believe' 
1982
Faint italo traces in the bassline here that grant this song by dayglo Eurovision winners Bucks Fizz a degree of weird sensuality, at least before it piles on the ersatz Abba guitars and percussive mayhem. No idea what the verse about 'nesting in your garden' is all about though.
(5)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-sP_I2_E0C0

#212
Spencer Davis Group, 'Somebody Help Me'
1966
This Brummie pop-rock-soul combo fronted by Steve Winwood were pretty underrated: they churned out a few zeitgeist dancefloor shakers over their time and their songs stand the test of time. This song doesn't particularly do anything special but it sounds good doing it.
(6)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yvQ-EjN8Rt0

#827
S Club 7, 'Bring It All Back'
1999
Maddeningly chirpy plastic pop for masochists and children.
(1)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0PUI3TMFvNA

THE CHART PROJECT PART SIX: tonight's the night! let's give it up!

#601
Pet Shop Boys, 'Always On My Mind'
1987 
Can a song be considered a 'standard' if it was written post-1960? You don't need to answer that. If it is possible, then this song surely is a candidate. Originally a country song written in 1972 and made famous by Vegas Elvis, the song crops up at irregular intervals to remind us about an unspoken universality of pop music values. Whether performed in a low croon like Elvis, in a country fashion like Willie Nelson, or in a brash arena electropop style as featured on this particular version, the song is the star. Perhaps it could be argued that the flashy nightclub treatment is at odds with the flickering regret of the lyric, but I'm going to go out on a limb and say it's a more modern reading than the old whiskey-soaked slow versions: the music says 'here I am in my life which has continued apace because this is the modern world and it doesn't stop for heartache' whilst the lyric says 'I am hurt' with a middle 8 that just SMACKS you between the eyes.
(8)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n2aMaMkDwTA

#483
Shakin' Stevens, 'Green Door'
1981 
Shakin' Stevens is as near to a graverobber as pop has seen. Elvis was not long since dead when Shakey emerged with quiff, lip curl, similar dress sense, and music all 50s R'n'R pastiche. Imagine that in a couple of years time there is a pop star whose thing is to just jump back to the beginning of Michael Jackson's career, looking like Michael Jackson, performing songs that sound eerily similar to Jackson's early output, and that for a brief moment this whole phenomenon gets by without any kind of questioning. Not a terrible song though.
(5)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YqQasoWm7Kg

#274
Rolling Stones, 'Honky Tonk Women'
1969 
The more blustery and bluesy the Stones got, the less interested I became. That said, they're a good two or three years from being completely unbearable here, all the while establishing the template that would see bands like Free and AC/DC develop 40 year careers: low-slung Keef riff guitar, bass enters in the chorus to give the song a WHAM into second gear, songs about women and they no good way. It's the stuff that goes on just outside the rock band template that make this song a little more interesting: the percussion that sounds like banging biros on paintcans, and the sax player who sounds deeply troubled by a potential embolism.
(6)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Kve_N8rmmQ

#757
White Town, 'Your Woman'
1997
Pop is, effectively, the artform of the the absolute majority. It is the North Korea that marginalises all dissenters for everything except the wealth that they can extract from it. It is the Borg that assimilates anything useful to its collective whilst disregarding the rest. And this majority artform is strictly controlled by a small ruling class of shareholders and directors and producers and songwriters, effectively social elites, who appease their own gods of wealth by pressing their ear to the railroad of human desire for entertainment, converting this sincere and fervent lust into money.

The experimental cannot compete or expect to overturn this because it operates with an economy of quality and a distinction of taste. 'This thing is right and that thing is wrong.' People don't like rules that they cannot easily understand. People do not like to be tricked. So pop music and popular cinema and popular journalism are the modes of communication that most people are familiar with.

So, how best to interrupt this communication or to change the message which it communicates on a daily basis? To get inside the machine. To visit North Korea. Not to marginalise it or laugh at it, but to operate from within. To sincerely appreciate the inherent beauty of the form without getting the messiness of the message into the bloodstream. And that is what Jyoti Mishra, aka White Town, has done so successfully.

'Your Woman' may reverse or even blur the gender roles of the typical love song (Mishra sings from the perspective of a woman to an errant non-gender specified partner) but he does not 'subvert' as has often been claimed. Subversion indicates derailment of common intent: this flip puts the message into the mouth of the machine - gender play is normal, gay is normal, Marxist is normal. The sleeping operator at the wheel of the machine sees the queues of people lining up to buy this sentiment and assumes that the machine is working correctly. A quiet conversation later reveals what the problem was and one week later the song is deposed of its #1 spot by a cheese-making wanker and his mates.

I've been Gilles Deleuze and my book 'Listening To Pop Music With Felix Guattari' is available in all good stores.
(10)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cIQWt3oMids

#55
Frankie Vaughan, 'The Garden of Eden'
1957
They had some great singers in the 1950s but by golly by gee did they love to pile on the orchestration and saccharine. This one starts of all happy and spartan and just doing its thing mixing Jesus and sexy woman metaphors and soon becomes this gigantic Sands Casino stomper with the half-expectation that an elephant will come out juggling on a unicycle as 5000 strippers mount 5000 poles attached to 5000 motorbikes jumping through 5000 hoops of fire.
(3)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=toIJ3Lls7jw

#846
Britney Spears, 'Born To Make You Happy'
2000
Lyrically troubling. Like Mr. Vaughan, sex and Jesus metaphors are mixed. Was she born to make God happy, or some jerk boyfriend? It's deliberately ambiguous. 'If only you were here tonight.' 'I don't know how to live without your love.' Either way, as far as giving a generation of girls some notion of self-determination and individual identity, it's a complete Shiva The Destroyer. Girls as servile, humanity as forever penitent, unable to reverse the decisions of history. Fuck that. Fuck this song. It is a really bad song, I'm not just cross at some words here.
(1)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yy5cKX4jBkQ

#533
Lionel Richie, 'Hello'
1984
The music video for this ballad has become a bit of a joke, where Lionel plays an arts teacher helping kids express themselves to the extent that a blind girl makes a fairly accurate-if-chunky sculpted bust of Richie's tightly coiffed barnet. Step away from that video (the way I didn't manage to) and listen. Richie has always been a very good writer of adult-orientated music for many a year, with a fine voice that never becomes overwrought or over-burdened with a show-off desire.

Obviously when you're operating in a year when you have Black Flag destroying the country and Frankie Goes To Hollywood desperate to turn everybody in the UK gay it's quite easy to skip over the subtler aspects of how pop songwriting can be quietly transformative at a more reflective and intuitive level - at his best this is Richie's gift. 'Hello. Is it me you're looking for?' is an easy punchline for the boldness of the gambit - but what if it is? It could change your life.
(6)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b_ILDFp5DGA

#1069
Estelle ft. Kanye West, 'American Boy'
2008
Hey a fairly recent pop song that doesn't make me want to throw up all of innards into an ocean of discontent. Estelle plays the street-hardened wiseacre with the turned head toward the flashy American superstar making a play toward her. It's quite easy to see this as straight-up and cut from real life given the relative status of the performers and though the sentiment is never really more than the future projections caused by a serious romatic headrush, the gaiety of the melody and the straight-forward beat allow the performer's actual personalities to emerge. A minor victory.
(6)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ic5vxw3eijY

#1015
McFly, 'I'll Be OK'
2005
One of McFly's better efforts: a sunny guitar pop anthem that definitely recalls a sunnier and better-looking Teenage Fanclub. I realise I'm pulling a comedy thing by mentioning the hitless Teenage Fanclub every five minutes but there's obviously going to be some correlation when your DNA is 1960s guitar pop with harmonies. A tidy 3 minutes in which the earth is not shattered nor built anew but nonetheless a pleasant ride.
(6)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yle1YEjmGf0

#1102
Black-Eyed Peas, 'I Gotta Feeling'
2009
My friend Brendan (I think) once said to me: "are the Black-Eyed Peas the group that get the most reward for the least effort?" I still think about this very economically inclined question all of the time because it has some implications for a possible direction for music. There is no doubting that the music of the Black-Eyed Peas since their entry into the world of enormo-fame is incredibly simplistic: 'Boom Boom Pow', 'My Humps', 'Where Is The Love?' and this are all built on very very simplistic musical elements that could be repeated by the pre-lingual (e.g. babies).

And it is not like they are incapable of writing more complex fare: Will.i.am wrote John Legend's 'Ordinary People', so there's evidently some desire to be more base, more simple, less inclined to make the effort, because clearly it has been decided that ease of imitation is far more important than innovation (these are not necessarily criticisms, by the way, just points). This song is now ubiquitous. It is played before many different kinds of occasion where fun is expected to grease the wheel of social interaction because as the song hopes/promises 'tonight's gonna be a good night'. Now every occasion will have its triumphant song of expectation. 'I expect this will be a good piss'. 'The show you'll watch will be great'. When songs start to instruct and bully rather than hint, I am immediately suspicious. (exception to rule: 'Rise Above').
(1)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uSD4vsh1zDA

THE CHART PROJECT PART 4: No matter what they tell us, I know what I believe

#715
Rednex, 'Cotton-Eye Joe'
1995
The first CD I ever bought with my own money was ON A DANCE TIP VOL 3 because it had that 'Reach Up' by Perfecto All Starz on it which to my mind has lessened with age. Looking through the tracklist of said CD now there are some songs I remember fondly ('Let Me Be Your Fantasy'' by Baby D, 'Run Away' by MC Sars & The Real McCoy) and songs I don't even remember despite this being the ONLY CD I OWNED FOR A YEAR.

Rednex

Regardless, Danish country-techno tossers Rednex are the worst thing on here, on a record brimming with mediocrity. Sadly, everytime I think of Rednex I cannot help but remember their follow-up single 'Old Pop In An Oak' and it gets stuck in my head for weeks at a time. Formative years? Yes, but only of regrets.
(2)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-tIMGBI6oYA

#24
Vera Lynn, 'My Son My Son'
1954
Is it possible to to criticise Vera Lynn without it appearing that you're engaging in a calculated effort to egregiously insult the dead of WW2? That might sound harsh but in my mind at least, Dame Vera is inextricably linked with wartime propaganda and practically doesn't exist outside of this arguably more important paradigm. That said, I have heard this weepie before. Our primary school did a project where we had to ask the old people at the tea dances in the cricket club across the road about the war (see!) and this song was played and all of the olds broke off to have a dance and a smooch to this. So, what does this song remind me of? It reminds me of being 9 and watching old people kissing whilst sipping orange Kia-Ora.
(3)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8BTeKk36-Ys

#1120
Owl City, 'Fireflies'
2010
So when this came out the world of indie, in its desire to not enjoy music anymore and merely just POSSESS it and possess the greatest memories of it and possess the largest quantity of records regardless of quality (LOLOLOL @ Animal Collective), rose up to decry this song for kind of borrowing the aesthetic of mid-00s indie-glitchpop group The Postal Service. Well, so fucking what? Is that the best/worst you could say? Were they that good? Maybe it does bear some similarities to the sonic hallmarks of The Postal Service, and I suppose the lyrics bear Ben Gibbard's forking turn-of-phrase, and the video looks a lot like 'The District Sleeps Tonight', and yeah he does sing a little similarly and the song pays off in much the same way as 'Such Great Heights' oh wait actually this is just total plagiarism and I insulted indie people for no good reason. OH WELL.
(3)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=psuRGfAaju4

#264
Fleetwood Mac, 'Albatross'
1969
INSTRUMENTAL ROCK IN THE HOUSE. This is from the era before Fleetwood Mac got good and added women to the band and started GOING THEIR OWN WAY etc. I jest slightly. This is a very uncharacteristic kind of track to get to #1 in the singles chart, a mark of being seriously popular in an era where you had to actually get off your arse and go and buy the thing. This song is heat haze, a mirage, a ship bobbing, divested of its crew mid-ocean, calm, but lost. Three guitarists all playing very carefully, a drummer just happy to add melancholy waves of cymbal and tippety-tap drums. It goes nowhere, but that's probably the point. It is a summary of placidity and of ache.
(6)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Viqr6KHwJjc

"Are you SURE we're watching The Dirty Dozen?"

#367
Telly Savalas, 'If'
1975
File under WTF. Telly Savalas as singer? Not quite. This is pure spoken-word. Savalas' chocolatey-rich voice just SPEAKING calmly about a girl he loves with some generic 70s soft orchestrated rock underneath. There's nothing really remarkable about it once the novelty of fucking KOJAK SPEAKING A LOVE SONG RIGHT IN YOUR ASTONISHED FACE wears off.
(3)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J94-_w9ARX0

#1152
Matt Cardle, 'When We Collide'
2010
Indie fans rose up in horror when X Factor 2010 winner not only covered Biffy Clyro but did them the ultimate grave injustice of changing the name of the song from 'Many of Horror' to 'When We Collide'. I'm afraid I'm going to have to give this straight down the barrel to Biffy Clyro fans out there and I mean you no disrespect as human beings: the band that you love is a pile of shit.

Matt Cardle: the chef's choice

Your correspondant saw them at the Leeds Festival in 2001 and even though back then they were supposed to be 'alt-rock', there was obviously a band struggling not to write incredibly chintzy arms-aloft prog-indie desperate to emerge. And then they did. And this song was the natural conclusion of that transformation. So do NOT act surprised, tearful Biffy fan, that the X Factor machine has chewed this DREADFUL and UTTERLY MEANINGLESS song up and spat it out like something out of Ghost In The Shell because that is all it deserves. Matt Cardle is clownshoes, a mock-rock puppet, and this song is probably still beneath him.
(2)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Hri715W56I&ob

#960
Black-Eyed Peas, 'Where Is The Love?'
2003
The Black-Eyed Peas were formerly a decent conscious hip-hop crew with no hits. You can hear the DNA of this in the first verse. It is quickly overwhelmed by the pseudo-ecstatic melancholy of the tune and Fergie's choruses. Banal. They're now absolutely humongous.
(2)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WpYeekQkAdcg

#944
Eminem, 'Lose Yourself'
2002
"If you had just one shot to seize everything, just one moment, would you capture it or let it slip?" This is the false dichotomy that Eminem offers in his latent support for an American dystopic reality. There is one dream and one chance, there is nothing else and you should "not miss your chance to blow." Perhaps in some instances this is true but at the advantageous end of Western capitalism is there really only one opportunity?

Of course in support of an accompanying film (8 Mile) in which the dramatic capital bound up in this version of life is exploited as Eminem's shadow self realises his one shot and is catapulted into fame. Except for the beginning of the film, which neatly depicts the character failing, ie. another opportunity. The denouement of the film presents opportunity #2. It also fast-forwards over the bits where the young Em attended school, developed linguistic skill, formed early relationships, had his ideologies tested - moments in themselves transformative and laden with opportunity. Perhaps I might be overanalysing this manifestly rubbish rap-as-triumph song to a degree unwarranted but I cannot help feel that the millions reading this will change their minds about capitalism.
(2)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=97wFqZPmYn8

#531
Frankie Goes To Hollywood, 'Relax'
1984
The first of the greatest triumvirate of singles to open a career. How much of the song was down to Frankie and how much was down to Trevor Horn and the bassline provided by Norman Watt-Roy is a question for a different kind of article. Some say that pop is about "moments" and the way those moments seem to characterise the spirit of the age. If that is the case, then Holly Johnson's ebullient grunting "UHHHH!", followed by the camera cutting away to him riding on the back of a leather-clad pile of men using a tie as a choke chain, then that would basically indicate that humanity peaked in 1984 and we've been on a downward spiral ever since.

I'm sure it has been written about like this before, but Frankie were great because it ultimately boiled down to politics. Sure, the pop moment in isolation is pretty good, but one Frankie is worth 1000 Britney Spears simply because there was something greater at stake. Liverpudlian gay socialists living under the open homophobia that would lead to Section 28, under the watchful eye of southern Conservatives. Their next two singles were more transparently political. This was the holding the fire to square society's feet: banned by Radio 1, telling the press they would make Duran Duran 'lick the shit off their shoes'. The band claim it was just about sex but the sex we're having reflects the age we're having sex in. That it all seemed so dirty to so many was surely a sign that they were doing it right.
(9)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yPLrXFw76Qg

#869
Robbie Williams, 'Rock DJ'
2000
I'm 17. I work in a supermarket for £3 an hour. I stack shelves every Saturday whilst my friends are off out and partying and playing sport. The supermarket is not signed up with an official publishing house to broadcast music so the only tape we are allowed to play is one sent out by HQ featuring versions of current hits sung by a man with long grey hair and the melodies changed a little bit so they're not exactly the same. This song was the first one on the tape. This song, therefore, is me putting out the endless pallettes of bread onto the shelves, before walking 30 yards away and having a local come up to me and ask where the bread is.
(1)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ylcuscJ6jQQ

#1055
Timbaland/Nelly Furtado/Justin Timberlake, 'Give It To Me'
2007
This one passed me by. I'm guessing this is from that Timbaland & guests record that had all kinds of shitty collaborations such as Timbaland & The Hives together at last? Timbaland is a pretty decent producer - there's always some subtle complexity within the rhythm section ('Get UR Freak On', for instance). The lyrics here are totally pointless - let it be stated ANY song that goes on about being 'in the club' will automatically lose points. That said, this song bubbles along prettily and the melodic shift into the choruses has a notable heft to it, though the guests are phoning it in.
(5)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RgoiSJ23cSc

#632
Jive Bunny & The Mastermixers, 'Swing The Mood'
1989
A strange concept behind Jive Bunny. A really crudely-animated cartoon rabbit would feature in stock footage videos for medleys of old jazz and swing standards. In a way it was a way of visualising songs that didn't have the opportunity to make it to MTV, but in reality who was screaming out for this in 1989? Peter Hook told me personally that Manchester was the happening thing then. What a dick.
(2)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nc9Mdt6hjaE

#300
Dawn, 'Knock Three Times'
1971
The kind of soft-rock orchestral production that calls into mind the colour brown and velour flares and deep pile carpets. Fodder for Smooth FM. I did hear a cover version of this by Kato Kaelin, who was a witness at the OJ Simpson trial, who allegedly heard Simpson 'knocking' three times, which I suppose is worth a chuckle. AT THE EXPENSE OF TWO DEAD INNOCENTS. SHAME ON YOU.
(2)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k7Jvsbcxunc

#53
Guy Mitchell, 'Singing The Blues'
1957
Last time Mitchell was reviewed in these pages, he was all about the colour red. Now he's got the second part of his 'own ALL the primary colours' partwork and ready to move on in the world. In-keeping with the theme, this is a very blue-eyed rendition of a country song complete with gallstone inducing whistled melody which prevents this otherwise decent song from being listened to ever again.
(4)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vubJL1BbBn8

#606
Pet Shop Boys, 'Heart'
1988
From the Pet Shop Boys' run of excellent singles. Chris Lowe (synth) opts for the rarely-used 'human voice' keyboard setting, Neil Tennant does that dry, nearly-spoken Neil Tennant thing. This probably suffers by dint of being released amongst a glut of excellent and memorable song -  there's enough here to provide ballast for 100 lesser bands to sail along for 5 years on. The middle 8 is pretty funny, just a robotic voice repeating the word "BEAT", deconstructing the word HEARTBEAT from inside, playfully ironising the criticism regarding synth music having no heart. Very arch, very PSB, very good.
(7)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4K19j1aeREw

from the video of 'Heart'

#138
Ray Charles, 'I Can't Stop Loving You'
1962 
Unless I'm very much mistaken, this is from the Ray Charles country album and subsequently re-released as an A-side having previously appeared as a B-side in the late 1950s. Ray Charles is a very difficult person to dislike and I shan't even try. All I am going to say is that I really don't like Ray Charles' country exercises and am going to pass on any further critique.
(4)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HFeB7zTGesk

#896
S Club 7, 'Don't Stop Movin'' 
2001
Another song whose title can be thought of as a North Korean governmental punishment. DO NOT STOP MOVING. YOU, IN SECTION C OF THE CITY OF CRUSHED DREAMS, YOU HAVE STOPPED MOVING. COMMENCE MOVEMENT OR FACE THE TOTAL CONTROL ZONE. Thinking of it in these terms help forget that it is a soft-disco pop atrocity that people of my age still dance to in clubs at the weekend without a shred of dignty to their collective name.
(2)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z2q3FJTFgtk

#731
Michael Jackson, 'Earth Song'
1995
"What about killing fields? / Is there a time?" Just as much time as you have to commodify misery and preach at us you miserable SHIT. CAN SOMEONE WAVE THEIR ARSE AT HIM PLEASE? "Earth Song" was accompanied by a lavish music video shot on four geographical regions." AND I BET YOU FLEW TO EACH AND EVERY SINGLE ONE. What a massive pompous arse.
(1)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XAi3VTSdTxU

#1025
Shayne Ward, 'That's My Goal'
2005
Conveyor-belt balladeering from X Factor winner Ward who would be flushed down the dumper by an uncaring and fickle audience desperate to anoint a new spiritual king every time they turn on the TV.
(2)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WhHY3sA8G-0

#380
David Bowie, 'Space Oddity'
1975
1975? I always wondered why in the video he performed it as Aladdin Sane even though the song was released in 1969. Somewhere along the line it was re-released for reasons best known to people at the time, presumably it fit with the aesthetic that Bowie was touring with and needed some material to pad out the gimmick. Something I only just noticed about this song is the dual vocals performed by Bowie at sections, one voice a fairly standard reading of the lyric, the other quite tense and paranoid.

This must be one of the weirdest songs in our general western collective consciousness, right? If someone is having a scattish day and generally forgetting things, it's not uncommon for 'normal' people to say 'ground control to Major Tom' as if to say 'wake up, get with it'. Nobody really writes songs like this anymore, do they? Songs that are just weird and unique and yet there's a chance your mum might like them. Strange. Maybe all the ideas have been used up.
(7)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cYMCLz5PQVw

#290
Smokey Robinson & The Miracles, 'Tears of a Clown'
1970
Poor Smokey, always crying. We tracked the tracks of his tears to here. Soul is on its way out, funk and disco are on their way in, but Smokey won't go down without a fight. His rich, keening voice is the star here, no mean feat given the stellar song-writing and backing band. It's always a pleasure to listen to such excellent songs but less so to write about them given the ubiquity of writing about them on the open market. After all, which critic doesn't like Smokey? Probably a jobless one. Go on, critics, call Smokey Robinson a talentless wanker and try and keep your job. I dare you.
(8)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k2kxlZDOHeQ

#196
Sandie Shaw, 'Long Live Love'
1965
MUCH better than 'Puppet On A String'. Take a look at the video too. Cult popstar potential, never smiling even during a jaunty TV performance that 100000s of girls would have self-mutilated for a like opportunity.

(5)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=118RJuRTzU0

#552
Sister Sledge, 'Frankie'
1985
Now this is bad music. It sounds like a Sesame Street backing track fronted by Sister Sledge. There is no power behind it at all and everything about it - the production, the melody, the sentiment, the lyric, the perfomances - is completely insipid. So unremarkable. How did this get to #1? It must have been tied in with a cereal promotion or something like that. Ugh.
(1)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Tl-c_puzbM

#701
D:Ream, 'Things Can Only Get Better'
1994
Two very good reasons to hate this song. i. It was the song that Labour played at their 1997 election victory. This would not be so bad in itself had that so-called socialist government not gone into two illegal wars and killed thousands of innocent people. The song is indelibly linked to that celebration and those wars are literally two steps away from this song. ii. Dr. Brian Cox, TV scientist, is often referred to as some kind of 'rock and roll scientist' because he's got a mop-top haircut and played keyboard in D:Ream. That's KEYBOARD. The wimpiest instrument. In D:REAM. The wimpiest band. That isn't rock and roll. If there's a dude in his lab who is all 'yeah, I hate music', then that guy is more rock and roll.

Objectively the song is a bit annoying but it's just a sweet love song bit of fluff, totally meaningless.
(3)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dl-ai9HuR60

#798
Boyzone, 'No Matter What'
1998
Tempting to read this as a Nazi manifesto: "No matter what they tell us / no matter what they do / no matter what they teach us / what we believe is true." The omission of what it actually is that Boyzone believe and devote 12 verses to defending is canny. In fact, it's apposite. Boyzone believe in nothing. Not in a Nietzschean way, but in a way that offers banality as a standard to aspire to. So when nasty critics kick them with their mean-spirited and accurate barbs about the band's ineffectuality at raising passion in anyone, they simply rise above, much as Henry Rollins did. Rollins rose above banality in the name of art. Boyzone rise above art in the name of banality. They are the twin towers of constant diametric opposition.

Also: why does the song open with Stephen Gately breathing the nonsense lyric 'chicki-chee-ha-ha?' It has been a source of bafflement for 14 years.
(1)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7eul_Vt6SZY

The Chart Project, part zero: an unmanageable and potentially mania-inducing look back at every UK #1 single ever

To date (27th April 2012) there have been 1192 songs that have reached the coveted position of #1 in the UK singles chart, a reflection of that song's success in outselling every other single available to buy in that week. The first chart to reflect the sales of physical copies of the single format was compiled in late 1952 after years of recording the keenest-selling sheet music. Over time the singles chart has evolved to include the CD format, the flexidisc, the cassette, the download, always with the overriding desire to create an accurate a picture as possible of the popular taste of the nation.

Here at AIM, we, err, seek to listen to and briefly write about every single one of these singles. There is a chronological list printed here. However, AIM shall not be reviewing the songs in chronological order lest the similarities of each pop era begin to dull the senses. Instead, using 1 and 1192 as low and high inputs, we have randomised a sequence over at random.org. The full sequence is below the cut and shall be strictly adhered to.

Partial credit and inspiration for this project must go to Jude Riley, with whom the genesis of this idea arose. Over tea, we read through a list of the singles from [years redacted] and realised that many of them were completely dreadful. Had there been a paradigm shift at some point indicative of a downward quality trend, or were we mere oldsters with our salad days long behind us? This project seeks to find out!

We estimate that this project could occupy much of the remainder of the year. People who particularly dislike popular culture would be well advised to unfollow now and delete our telephone number into the bargain.

Other addenda:

• Additional number ones beyond the 1192 until today's date shall be reviewed chronologically at the end of the task.
• No accounting for taste shall be made, of course, but ears shall be opened at all time to try and counterweight the pressure of prejudice and personal association.
• Each review will contain: the name of the artist, the name of the song, the year of charting, the number it appears in the list, a link to the song on Youtube, a rating out of 10, and a review of the song. These reviews could be as short as a tweet but may extend to essay-length for particularly troublesome entries. A short paragraph should often suffice.
• Regarding the 1-10 scale: this shall be strictly adhered to. 1 is nadir, 10 is zenith. Most shall fall somewhere between. We are willing to re-assess the marks given to any single at the end of the process to account for jading and over-emphasis.
• That said, all ratings are entirely subjective and go-fuck-yourself downgradings could also occur.

The first batch of reviews will be posted next weekend.

UK SINGLES CHART 4/3/2012 from #100 to #91

or, WHY THE CHARTS ARE NOW COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY USELESS, EVEN MORE SO THAN THEY WERE WHEN PEOPLE ACTUALLY KNEW WHAT WAS AT #1.

Before I was even a teenager I had a school notebook in which I would write down the Top 40 Singles in the UK as counted down by Mark Goodier on BBC Radio 1 on Sunday evening. It is quite amazing to realise how many of these often transitory and seemingly inconsequential three minutes have stayed in the mind, but a cursory glance at this book in my late teens revealed that the more interesting names that would later be scattered around my record collection were usually found at the lower end of this chart.

We all know that the charts are somewhat meaningless as a gauge of quality but there's a coldness and logic about the format that automatically commands respect: it is undeniably the will of the people writ large. There was also a moment of genuine thrill in the early part of the 21st century when a local band named Moco scraped the lower echelons of the Top 100 on the back of some good reviews. For a moment the gap between the industry largesse and the dudes seen rolling around the local pub in front of 45 people was temporarily reduced. Even though Moco probably sold less than 1500 copies of their single at a time when the music industry was in one of its occasional pituitary funks. Here it is though, for posterity.

Since this occasion the rules on chart eligibility have changed to firstly include downloaded copies of the designated singles and then, before long, the ability to download any individual album track meant that any song on a downloadable album could end up at #1. This is why groups of campaigners for 'real, non-manufactured' music were able to upset the applecart by electing Rage Against The Machine to #1 over the simple pop thrills of Joe McElderry, and less wankerishly, why John Otway was able to get his 50th birthday wish of a second top ten single with 'Bunsen Burner'.

The situationist potential of the charts reduces with time as the charts retain less of a psychic grasp on the public consciousness. More simply put: the charts mean nothing and rigging the thing is a precious waste of time and energy, as amusing as it would be to have somebody like Anal Cunt forced into the nation's ears at Sunday tea-time. We could even have all of I Like It When You Die as the entire Top 40.

It's sad that this battle has been lost precisely because the opening up of chart eligibility theoretically was supposed to allow any old shit a go at the charts. Momentarily it worked: then-unsigned punk trio Koopa organised their fanbase sufficiently to become the first 'unsigned' band to reach the Top 40. However, these appeals and demands and cries to organise oneself shows the fundamental lack of unity, not existence of it, and how ultimately powerless it is for more than one week at a time when faced with the remorseless sense-battery of commercial radio.

The reduced appeal of the singles charts perhaps go some way to explaining why even the lower end of the charts resembles a major label advertorial. Where freaks once roamed on the selling out of their hastily deleted 7", ghosts of banal sentiments past loom at the window on the vicissitudes of commercial appearance: step forward 'Bring Me To Life' by Evanescence, 'Somewhere Only We Know' by Keane, and 'Bittersweet Symphony' by The Verve, appearing at #87, #86, and #59 respectively.

A quick count reveals at least 95 of the top 100 songs to be on major labels. The ones that I can identify as not being are Matt Redman at #12, a heavily campaigned-for Christian artist releasing a single for an anti-slavery charity. Arctic Monkeys are a strange anomaly at #22, being a guitar band with a new single in the charts, though they have major distribution and media on their side.

When an artist hits, they hit big, and often. Ed Sheeran has four singles in the chart. Emeli Sande is at least the featured artist on four, as is Rihanna. Adele has three. Rizzle Kicks have three. LMFAO have three. Nicki Minaj has three. David Guetta has three. Bruno Mars has three. Jessie J, Coldplay, LMFAO, Jennifer Lopez, and Pitbull all have more than one. It represents a real triumph for the grasp of commercial radio and television and the strength of the relationship that major labels maintain with them. Doubly so, considering that it is often considered that we're all supposed to be online with artists such as Harry Pussy and Whitehouse within just as close reach.

This piece isn't so much an argument for the violent overthrow of the ranking system or major label structure as it is a snapshot for anybody who was wondering what is still going on out there. The charts have always favoured those with commercial muscle because that is its function: to map that dispassionately. Besides, the independent community generally focuses upon the the longer format and live performance because it is still where prestige and the ability to make a living (just about) lies, reducing the single to a position of forced fetish product, given the relatively high costs of making such an eminently disposable format seem paradoxically worth owning forever on hard copy.

Funnily enough, when I began writing this piece, I did not begin with the intent of sniping about the charts or confirming what most of you suspected but had not bothered to check out out of the simple desire to not be depressed. Quite the opposite. My intent had been to look at the bottom end of the charts to see whether it was full of off-pop, pop that aims to match the structure and style of its more popular brethren but somehow fails, or to see whether it was full of unheard-of gems and bands like Moco that had risen beyond the position the industry could reasonably expect of them.

So, here is the countdown from #100 to #91 in the charts as compiled 4th March 2012 by the Official Chart Company.

100. Beautiful People, 'Turn Up The Music'

Not much information really exists on this song, other than to say that it is in fact a Chris Brown remix. Perhaps that's another sad-or-as-yet-unexplored consequence of open chart eligibility: remixes of songs forcing their way into the charts as a way of exposing the original to a wider audience. Imagine an anthemic synth version of 'Two Towers' by Lightning Bolt ft. Tinchy Stryder! It could work! Let's get this happening everyone!

99. Bruno Mars, 'Just The Way You Are (Amazing)'

A mere 76 weeks on the chart for Mars. Who is only just getting to this song? The kind of people who still lose their dial-up connection every time someone in the house wants to use the phone, I'll wager.

98. Bruno Mars, 'Marry You'

A mere 58 weeks on the chart for this one. Less memorable than its cousin one place below, though no less saccharine for it.

97. Beyonce, 'Halo'

A mere 97 weeks on the chart for this one. I can't bring myself to hate Beyonce but come on everybody, nearly two years? She has done stuff since!

96. LMFAO, 'Sorry For Party Rocking'

At first with LMFAO I was like 'ok, it's for kids, this is their music, let it go' but this is just BEYOND dismal. I think what annoys me the most is the way they look like they couldn't even be arsed styling themselves convincingly, as if they're saying 'oh, they'll buy any old shit as long as we work it like it's the shiz'. AND THEY WERE RIGHT!

95. Black Keys, 'Lonely Boy'

The kind of 'real rock' that pushes some ardent guitar wankers into pretending that they love 'artificial' pop music more than they really do, because to side with this is siding with white privilege and nostalgia for the unremembered in quite an overt and grotesque fashion. At first it seemed like an anomaly that this song would wind up charting at all in the UK, but it is formulaic and marketable alongside the White Stripes, so perhaps not all that surprising.

94. Monkees, 'I'm A Believer'

It would be churlish to complain about this in the wake of Davy Jones' death. Sometimes it takes a tragedy to make somebody aware of a body of work they may have been unaware of, and besides, 'I'm A Believer' is a fucking TUNE.

93. Skrillex ft. Sirah, 'Bangarang'

The saddest entry in all of the Top 100 is Skrillex and The Doors at #89. That whole 'is Skrillex dubstep' argument is hilarious. The answer was obvious when I got off the train at Wigan Wallgate and saw a 14 year old kid in nu-rock boots, a long leather jacket, and Skrillex t-shirt and realised without hearing a note that Skrillex is essentially 2012's Limp Bizkit and 'real' dubstep will always remain the preserve of people who know the names of the people who work in their local record shop back room, let alone the guy who actually owns the place. They are so far apart, it barely infringes trademark.

92.  Whitney Houston, 'I Will Always Love You'

See #94, only with less enthusiasm.

91. Ed Sheeran, 'You Need Me I Don't Need You'

A pathetic 77 weeks on the chart for this one. I saw Sheeran play this live before he became astronomically popular. It was an industry showcase and in a raft of horseshit rock music, he stood out as being a bit more breezy and self-sufficient, effortlessly singing/rapping/beatboxing/playing guitar. Had I known what I know now, seeing the psychic wreckage wrought upon the daily workplace, I would have rushed the stage.