#715
Rednex, 'Cotton-Eye Joe'
1995
The first CD I ever bought with my own money was ON A DANCE TIP VOL 3 because it had that 'Reach Up' by Perfecto All Starz on it which to my mind has lessened with age. Looking through the tracklist of said CD now there are some songs I remember fondly ('Let Me Be Your Fantasy'' by Baby D, 'Run Away' by MC Sars & The Real McCoy) and songs I don't even remember despite this being the ONLY CD I OWNED FOR A YEAR.
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| Rednex |
(2)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-tIMGBI6oYA
#24
Vera Lynn, 'My Son My Son'
1954
Is it possible to to criticise Vera Lynn without it appearing that you're engaging in a calculated effort to egregiously insult the dead of WW2? That might sound harsh but in my mind at least, Dame Vera is inextricably linked with wartime propaganda and practically doesn't exist outside of this arguably more important paradigm. That said, I have heard this weepie before. Our primary school did a project where we had to ask the old people at the tea dances in the cricket club across the road about the war (see!) and this song was played and all of the olds broke off to have a dance and a smooch to this. So, what does this song remind me of? It reminds me of being 9 and watching old people kissing whilst sipping orange Kia-Ora.
(3)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8BTeKk36-Ys
#1120
Owl City, 'Fireflies'
2010
So when this came out the world of indie, in its desire to not enjoy music anymore and merely just POSSESS it and possess the greatest memories of it and possess the largest quantity of records regardless of quality (LOLOLOL @ Animal Collective), rose up to decry this song for kind of borrowing the aesthetic of mid-00s indie-glitchpop group The Postal Service. Well, so fucking what? Is that the best/worst you could say? Were they that good? Maybe it does bear some similarities to the sonic hallmarks of The Postal Service, and I suppose the lyrics bear Ben Gibbard's forking turn-of-phrase, and the video looks a lot like 'The District Sleeps Tonight', and yeah he does sing a little similarly and the song pays off in much the same way as 'Such Great Heights' oh wait actually this is just total plagiarism and I insulted indie people for no good reason. OH WELL.
(3)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=psuRGfAaju4
#264
Fleetwood Mac, 'Albatross'
1969
INSTRUMENTAL ROCK IN THE HOUSE. This is from the era before Fleetwood Mac got good and added women to the band and started GOING THEIR OWN WAY etc. I jest slightly. This is a very uncharacteristic kind of track to get to #1 in the singles chart, a mark of being seriously popular in an era where you had to actually get off your arse and go and buy the thing. This song is heat haze, a mirage, a ship bobbing, divested of its crew mid-ocean, calm, but lost. Three guitarists all playing very carefully, a drummer just happy to add melancholy waves of cymbal and tippety-tap drums. It goes nowhere, but that's probably the point. It is a summary of placidity and of ache.
(6)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Viqr6KHwJjc
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| "Are you SURE we're watching The Dirty Dozen?" |
Telly Savalas, 'If'
1975
File under WTF. Telly Savalas as singer? Not quite. This is pure spoken-word. Savalas' chocolatey-rich voice just SPEAKING calmly about a girl he loves with some generic 70s soft orchestrated rock underneath. There's nothing really remarkable about it once the novelty of fucking KOJAK SPEAKING A LOVE SONG RIGHT IN YOUR ASTONISHED FACE wears off.
(3)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J94-_w9ARX0
#1152
Matt Cardle, 'When We Collide'
2010
Indie fans rose up in horror when X Factor 2010 winner not only covered Biffy Clyro but did them the ultimate grave injustice of changing the name of the song from 'Many of Horror' to 'When We Collide'. I'm afraid I'm going to have to give this straight down the barrel to Biffy Clyro fans out there and I mean you no disrespect as human beings: the band that you love is a pile of shit.
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| Matt Cardle: the chef's choice |
(2)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Hri715W56I&ob
#960
Black-Eyed Peas, 'Where Is The Love?'
2003
The Black-Eyed Peas were formerly a decent conscious hip-hop crew with no hits. You can hear the DNA of this in the first verse. It is quickly overwhelmed by the pseudo-ecstatic melancholy of the tune and Fergie's choruses. Banal. They're now absolutely humongous.
(2)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WpYeekQkAdcg
#944
Eminem, 'Lose Yourself'
2002
"If you had just one shot to seize everything, just one moment, would you capture it or let it slip?" This is the false dichotomy that Eminem offers in his latent support for an American dystopic reality. There is one dream and one chance, there is nothing else and you should "not miss your chance to blow." Perhaps in some instances this is true but at the advantageous end of Western capitalism is there really only one opportunity?
Of course in support of an accompanying film (8 Mile) in which the dramatic capital bound up in this version of life is exploited as Eminem's shadow self realises his one shot and is catapulted into fame. Except for the beginning of the film, which neatly depicts the character failing, ie. another opportunity. The denouement of the film presents opportunity #2. It also fast-forwards over the bits where the young Em attended school, developed linguistic skill, formed early relationships, had his ideologies tested - moments in themselves transformative and laden with opportunity. Perhaps I might be overanalysing this manifestly rubbish rap-as-triumph song to a degree unwarranted but I cannot help feel that the millions reading this will change their minds about capitalism.
(2)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=97wFqZPmYn8
#531
Frankie Goes To Hollywood, 'Relax'
1984
The first of the greatest triumvirate of singles to open a career. How much of the song was down to Frankie and how much was down to Trevor Horn and the bassline provided by Norman Watt-Roy is a question for a different kind of article. Some say that pop is about "moments" and the way those moments seem to characterise the spirit of the age. If that is the case, then Holly Johnson's ebullient grunting "UHHHH!", followed by the camera cutting away to him riding on the back of a leather-clad pile of men using a tie as a choke chain, then that would basically indicate that humanity peaked in 1984 and we've been on a downward spiral ever since.
I'm sure it has been written about like this before, but Frankie were great because it ultimately boiled down to politics. Sure, the pop moment in isolation is pretty good, but one Frankie is worth 1000 Britney Spears simply because there was something greater at stake. Liverpudlian gay socialists living under the open homophobia that would lead to Section 28, under the watchful eye of southern Conservatives. Their next two singles were more transparently political. This was the holding the fire to square society's feet: banned by Radio 1, telling the press they would make Duran Duran 'lick the shit off their shoes'. The band claim it was just about sex but the sex we're having reflects the age we're having sex in. That it all seemed so dirty to so many was surely a sign that they were doing it right.
(9)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yPLrXFw76Qg
#869
Robbie Williams, 'Rock DJ'
2000
I'm 17. I work in a supermarket for £3 an hour. I stack shelves every Saturday whilst my friends are off out and partying and playing sport. The supermarket is not signed up with an official publishing house to broadcast music so the only tape we are allowed to play is one sent out by HQ featuring versions of current hits sung by a man with long grey hair and the melodies changed a little bit so they're not exactly the same. This song was the first one on the tape. This song, therefore, is me putting out the endless pallettes of bread onto the shelves, before walking 30 yards away and having a local come up to me and ask where the bread is.
(1)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ylcuscJ6jQQ
#1055
Timbaland/Nelly Furtado/Justin Timberlake, 'Give It To Me'
2007
This one passed me by. I'm guessing this is from that Timbaland & guests record that had all kinds of shitty collaborations such as Timbaland & The Hives together at last? Timbaland is a pretty decent producer - there's always some subtle complexity within the rhythm section ('Get UR Freak On', for instance). The lyrics here are totally pointless - let it be stated ANY song that goes on about being 'in the club' will automatically lose points. That said, this song bubbles along prettily and the melodic shift into the choruses has a notable heft to it, though the guests are phoning it in.
(5)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RgoiSJ23cSc
#632
Jive Bunny & The Mastermixers, 'Swing The Mood'
1989
A strange concept behind Jive Bunny. A really crudely-animated cartoon rabbit would feature in stock footage videos for medleys of old jazz and swing standards. In a way it was a way of visualising songs that didn't have the opportunity to make it to MTV, but in reality who was screaming out for this in 1989? Peter Hook told me personally that Manchester was the happening thing then. What a dick.
(2)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nc9Mdt6hjaE
#300
Dawn, 'Knock Three Times'
1971
The kind of soft-rock orchestral production that calls into mind the colour brown and velour flares and deep pile carpets. Fodder for Smooth FM. I did hear a cover version of this by Kato Kaelin, who was a witness at the OJ Simpson trial, who allegedly heard Simpson 'knocking' three times, which I suppose is worth a chuckle. AT THE EXPENSE OF TWO DEAD INNOCENTS. SHAME ON YOU.
(2)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k7Jvsbcxunc
#53
Guy Mitchell, 'Singing The Blues'
1957
Last time Mitchell was reviewed in these pages, he was all about the colour red. Now he's got the second part of his 'own ALL the primary colours' partwork and ready to move on in the world. In-keeping with the theme, this is a very blue-eyed rendition of a country song complete with gallstone inducing whistled melody which prevents this otherwise decent song from being listened to ever again.
(4)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vubJL1BbBn8
#606
Pet Shop Boys, 'Heart'
1988
From the Pet Shop Boys' run of excellent singles. Chris Lowe (synth) opts for the rarely-used 'human voice' keyboard setting, Neil Tennant does that dry, nearly-spoken Neil Tennant thing. This probably suffers by dint of being released amongst a glut of excellent and memorable song - there's enough here to provide ballast for 100 lesser bands to sail along for 5 years on. The middle 8 is pretty funny, just a robotic voice repeating the word "BEAT", deconstructing the word HEARTBEAT from inside, playfully ironising the criticism regarding synth music having no heart. Very arch, very PSB, very good.
(7)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4K19j1aeREw
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| from the video of 'Heart' |
Ray Charles, 'I Can't Stop Loving You'
1962
Unless I'm very much mistaken, this is from the Ray Charles country album and subsequently re-released as an A-side having previously appeared as a B-side in the late 1950s. Ray Charles is a very difficult person to dislike and I shan't even try. All I am going to say is that I really don't like Ray Charles' country exercises and am going to pass on any further critique.
(4)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HFeB7zTGesk
#896
S Club 7, 'Don't Stop Movin''
2001
Another song whose title can be thought of as a North Korean governmental punishment. DO NOT STOP MOVING. YOU, IN SECTION C OF THE CITY OF CRUSHED DREAMS, YOU HAVE STOPPED MOVING. COMMENCE MOVEMENT OR FACE THE TOTAL CONTROL ZONE. Thinking of it in these terms help forget that it is a soft-disco pop atrocity that people of my age still dance to in clubs at the weekend without a shred of dignty to their collective name.
(2)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z2q3FJTFgtk
#731
Michael Jackson, 'Earth Song'
1995
"What about killing fields? / Is there a time?" Just as much time as you have to commodify misery and preach at us you miserable SHIT. CAN SOMEONE WAVE THEIR ARSE AT HIM PLEASE? "Earth Song" was accompanied by a lavish music video shot on four geographical regions." AND I BET YOU FLEW TO EACH AND EVERY SINGLE ONE. What a massive pompous arse.
(1)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XAi3VTSdTxU
#1025
Shayne Ward, 'That's My Goal'
2005
Conveyor-belt balladeering from X Factor winner Ward who would be flushed down the dumper by an uncaring and fickle audience desperate to anoint a new spiritual king every time they turn on the TV.
(2)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WhHY3sA8G-0
#380
David Bowie, 'Space Oddity'
1975
1975? I always wondered why in the video he performed it as Aladdin Sane even though the song was released in 1969. Somewhere along the line it was re-released for reasons best known to people at the time, presumably it fit with the aesthetic that Bowie was touring with and needed some material to pad out the gimmick. Something I only just noticed about this song is the dual vocals performed by Bowie at sections, one voice a fairly standard reading of the lyric, the other quite tense and paranoid.
This must be one of the weirdest songs in our general western collective consciousness, right? If someone is having a scattish day and generally forgetting things, it's not uncommon for 'normal' people to say 'ground control to Major Tom' as if to say 'wake up, get with it'. Nobody really writes songs like this anymore, do they? Songs that are just weird and unique and yet there's a chance your mum might like them. Strange. Maybe all the ideas have been used up.
(7)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cYMCLz5PQVw
#290
Smokey Robinson & The Miracles, 'Tears of a Clown'
1970
Poor Smokey, always crying. We tracked the tracks of his tears to here. Soul is on its way out, funk and disco are on their way in, but Smokey won't go down without a fight. His rich, keening voice is the star here, no mean feat given the stellar song-writing and backing band. It's always a pleasure to listen to such excellent songs but less so to write about them given the ubiquity of writing about them on the open market. After all, which critic doesn't like Smokey? Probably a jobless one. Go on, critics, call Smokey Robinson a talentless wanker and try and keep your job. I dare you.
(8)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k2kxlZDOHeQ
#196
Sandie Shaw, 'Long Live Love'
1965
MUCH better than 'Puppet On A String'. Take a look at the video too. Cult popstar potential, never smiling even during a jaunty TV performance that 100000s of girls would have self-mutilated for a like opportunity.
(5)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=118RJuRTzU0
#552
Sister Sledge, 'Frankie'
1985
Now this is bad music. It sounds like a Sesame Street backing track fronted by Sister Sledge. There is no power behind it at all and everything about it - the production, the melody, the sentiment, the lyric, the perfomances - is completely insipid. So unremarkable. How did this get to #1? It must have been tied in with a cereal promotion or something like that. Ugh.
(1)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Tl-c_puzbM
#701
D:Ream, 'Things Can Only Get Better'
1994
Two very good reasons to hate this song. i. It was the song that Labour played at their 1997 election victory. This would not be so bad in itself had that so-called socialist government not gone into two illegal wars and killed thousands of innocent people. The song is indelibly linked to that celebration and those wars are literally two steps away from this song. ii. Dr. Brian Cox, TV scientist, is often referred to as some kind of 'rock and roll scientist' because he's got a mop-top haircut and played keyboard in D:Ream. That's KEYBOARD. The wimpiest instrument. In D:REAM. The wimpiest band. That isn't rock and roll. If there's a dude in his lab who is all 'yeah, I hate music', then that guy is more rock and roll.
Objectively the song is a bit annoying but it's just a sweet love song bit of fluff, totally meaningless.
(3)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dl-ai9HuR60
#798
Boyzone, 'No Matter What'
1998
Tempting to read this as a Nazi manifesto: "No matter what they tell us / no matter what they do / no matter what they teach us / what we believe is true." The omission of what it actually is that Boyzone believe and devote 12 verses to defending is canny. In fact, it's apposite. Boyzone believe in nothing. Not in a Nietzschean way, but in a way that offers banality as a standard to aspire to. So when nasty critics kick them with their mean-spirited and accurate barbs about the band's ineffectuality at raising passion in anyone, they simply rise above, much as Henry Rollins did. Rollins rose above banality in the name of art. Boyzone rise above art in the name of banality. They are the twin towers of constant diametric opposition.
Also: why does the song open with Stephen Gately breathing the nonsense lyric 'chicki-chee-ha-ha?' It has been a source of bafflement for 14 years.
(1)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7eul_Vt6SZY
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